The Curse of Having a Sense of Consciousness
Yesterday I inserted a five dollar bill into a snack machine, hoping to pick up a Big KitKat bar for my trouble. It took the money and didn't give it back, then informed me with LED letters that only exact change was permitted on the machine. I've used five dollar bills before on this particular device, and I usually have to stand around awkwardly while the excess quarters drop down like a small jackpot in Vegas. I always half expect some woman with an oxygen tank to move in and take my winnings. This time there was only silence- and no KitKat bar to speak of.
At this point anyone else in the school would have walked to the office, mentioned the incident, and retrieved their five dollars. But I just walked back to my classroom and didn't say a word. Why? The answer to that question is difficult, to say the least. I've always abhorred confrontation, and even imagined conflicts where none existed.
Case in point: I was observed a few weeks ago by the assistant principal and everything went well. She sent me an email a few days ago telling me to drop by at some point to pick up the observation results. I know it's going to be fine, but I don't want to face her. I'm not scared of her (she's really quite nice) but I don't like the tension that's created.
I think my curse is that I see too deeply how much we're all connected. I feel too intimately responsible for events that take place outside my realm of control. I constantly make my life a little more difficult so that everyone else's life will be easier. Modern society would call me a putz, a pushover. They'd probably be right.
Last case in point: A few days ago I walked into the teacher's lounge and was heading toward the restroom. A man I didn't recognize came out of nowhere and started walking right behind me. I knew he was going to the restroom as well, so I darted off to the left and began washing my hands so we both wouldn't walk into the restroom at the same time. I always do my best to avoid awkward moments.
Most of the people I encounter on a daily basis are practically oblivious to the future. For them, it only exists as a dream that's yet to be fulfilled, not as a reality that should be dealt with. They exist blithely in the moment, and I envy them for that feat. Sometimes I wish I could find a way to cut off the foresight switch, so I could just live for a moment too.
At this point anyone else in the school would have walked to the office, mentioned the incident, and retrieved their five dollars. But I just walked back to my classroom and didn't say a word. Why? The answer to that question is difficult, to say the least. I've always abhorred confrontation, and even imagined conflicts where none existed.
Case in point: I was observed a few weeks ago by the assistant principal and everything went well. She sent me an email a few days ago telling me to drop by at some point to pick up the observation results. I know it's going to be fine, but I don't want to face her. I'm not scared of her (she's really quite nice) but I don't like the tension that's created.
I think my curse is that I see too deeply how much we're all connected. I feel too intimately responsible for events that take place outside my realm of control. I constantly make my life a little more difficult so that everyone else's life will be easier. Modern society would call me a putz, a pushover. They'd probably be right.
Last case in point: A few days ago I walked into the teacher's lounge and was heading toward the restroom. A man I didn't recognize came out of nowhere and started walking right behind me. I knew he was going to the restroom as well, so I darted off to the left and began washing my hands so we both wouldn't walk into the restroom at the same time. I always do my best to avoid awkward moments.
Most of the people I encounter on a daily basis are practically oblivious to the future. For them, it only exists as a dream that's yet to be fulfilled, not as a reality that should be dealt with. They exist blithely in the moment, and I envy them for that feat. Sometimes I wish I could find a way to cut off the foresight switch, so I could just live for a moment too.
posted by Yorick at 7:30 PM
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