I Should Have Known
This is something I wrote after reading Mark Twain's "The Human Animal" for the first time. I have a bad habit of adopting other writer's diction and mannerisms immediately after reading their works. The ideas, however, are all mine. This little piece probably should have tipped me off that education as a career wasn't in the cards- I wrote it during my first year as a teacher.
I believe that I have made a discovery that will be of considerable value to both biologists and psychologists worldwide. I have, in short, found a new animal. As one might predict, this animal exhibits unique characteristics indigenous to its taxonomy.
The animal looks oddly human and even wears clothes. Like humans, it too comes in shades both light and dark. It is there, I’m afraid, that the comparisons end.
Take the clothing for example. Although it is worn in the same fashion as humans, it is cut and modified until it pushes the bounds of decency. It is not uncommon to see the males wearing human pants around the knees. I have not yet ascertained why this habit is so common to this animal. As of now, I suspect it is some sort of masculine trumpeting ritual, such as the ones that the peacocks of the world adhere too. I am amazed that a natural disaster has not yet destroyed this animal; certainly they cannot move any quicker than a slow walk with such a hindrance.
Another disturbing quality of this particular animal is that it appears to have no innate desire to improve its lot on this planet. I have observed wrens painstakingly build and rebuild a nest. I have seen a mother turtle dig a nest for her young and struggle through delivery. I have seen an ape use a twig as a tool to gather ants. I have seen these animals do nothing. They are only interested in eating, humor, and complaining.
I have done studies with these animals to see exactly what they are capable of. I managed to catch one in an effort to teach him the rudiments of logical thought. He stared at me blankly until I produced some sort of food product, at which point he began to drool openly and freely on the laboratory floor. After handing him the food, I was frightened by the ferocity with which he devoured the food. Immediately afterwards, he sank back into his hypnotic gaze. I can only deduce that he is related to the brown bear, for his activity is related most closely with the effects of hibernation.
Laughing is another thing. They find everything to be hysterical, even if it is something they have heard or done a hundred times. It is dumbfounding. I have handed one of the animals a sheet of paper and a pencil over a hundred times. I have done this with the intention of getting the animal to write. Every time the animal has frustrated my efforts with the same procedure. It takes the paper, balls it up, and throws it across the cage. After it has done this, it sticks the pencil in its ear and laughs hysterically. Needless to say, I gave up on the writing.
Perhaps it is a more complex animal than I had previously thought. I think this now because whenever the animal is not laughing at the air around it, it quickly turns to moaning and complaining endlessly. I have made the cage warm; it quickly throws off its cover and fans itself. I have made it cool; it quickly covers up and shivers more than it should. I have made the cage an average temperature; it has sat there and done nothing. I have fed the animal apples; apparently they were too hard. I have fed the animal bananas; apparently they were too soft. Once, in desperation, I even freed the animal- it walked back into its cell. Upon my shutting the door, it once again began to beat on the bars and howl for freedom. I will need further research to suggest why this is the case.
Although this new animal is endlessly interesting, it produces rather nothing of value. It is merely a consumer of the resources that it is either given or that it happens to come across. It works less for its food than the buzzard of North America. This animal seems to expect the corpse to come to it.
The largest danger that this animal poses to humanity is in its close appearance to humans. If intoxicated or mentally ill, a human could perhaps mistake this animal for a human and attempt to procreate with it. The effects of such an effort would be disastrous for the march of human evolution.
I have named them highschoolus studentus.
I believe that I have made a discovery that will be of considerable value to both biologists and psychologists worldwide. I have, in short, found a new animal. As one might predict, this animal exhibits unique characteristics indigenous to its taxonomy.
The animal looks oddly human and even wears clothes. Like humans, it too comes in shades both light and dark. It is there, I’m afraid, that the comparisons end.
Take the clothing for example. Although it is worn in the same fashion as humans, it is cut and modified until it pushes the bounds of decency. It is not uncommon to see the males wearing human pants around the knees. I have not yet ascertained why this habit is so common to this animal. As of now, I suspect it is some sort of masculine trumpeting ritual, such as the ones that the peacocks of the world adhere too. I am amazed that a natural disaster has not yet destroyed this animal; certainly they cannot move any quicker than a slow walk with such a hindrance.
Another disturbing quality of this particular animal is that it appears to have no innate desire to improve its lot on this planet. I have observed wrens painstakingly build and rebuild a nest. I have seen a mother turtle dig a nest for her young and struggle through delivery. I have seen an ape use a twig as a tool to gather ants. I have seen these animals do nothing. They are only interested in eating, humor, and complaining.
I have done studies with these animals to see exactly what they are capable of. I managed to catch one in an effort to teach him the rudiments of logical thought. He stared at me blankly until I produced some sort of food product, at which point he began to drool openly and freely on the laboratory floor. After handing him the food, I was frightened by the ferocity with which he devoured the food. Immediately afterwards, he sank back into his hypnotic gaze. I can only deduce that he is related to the brown bear, for his activity is related most closely with the effects of hibernation.
Laughing is another thing. They find everything to be hysterical, even if it is something they have heard or done a hundred times. It is dumbfounding. I have handed one of the animals a sheet of paper and a pencil over a hundred times. I have done this with the intention of getting the animal to write. Every time the animal has frustrated my efforts with the same procedure. It takes the paper, balls it up, and throws it across the cage. After it has done this, it sticks the pencil in its ear and laughs hysterically. Needless to say, I gave up on the writing.
Perhaps it is a more complex animal than I had previously thought. I think this now because whenever the animal is not laughing at the air around it, it quickly turns to moaning and complaining endlessly. I have made the cage warm; it quickly throws off its cover and fans itself. I have made it cool; it quickly covers up and shivers more than it should. I have made the cage an average temperature; it has sat there and done nothing. I have fed the animal apples; apparently they were too hard. I have fed the animal bananas; apparently they were too soft. Once, in desperation, I even freed the animal- it walked back into its cell. Upon my shutting the door, it once again began to beat on the bars and howl for freedom. I will need further research to suggest why this is the case.
Although this new animal is endlessly interesting, it produces rather nothing of value. It is merely a consumer of the resources that it is either given or that it happens to come across. It works less for its food than the buzzard of North America. This animal seems to expect the corpse to come to it.
The largest danger that this animal poses to humanity is in its close appearance to humans. If intoxicated or mentally ill, a human could perhaps mistake this animal for a human and attempt to procreate with it. The effects of such an effort would be disastrous for the march of human evolution.
I have named them highschoolus studentus.
posted by Yorick at 7:56 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home