Dr. Scholl's Footwear Victim of Intense Shellin', No Longer Gellin', Reports Say
Mainstream media has taken a heavy lashing over its inaccuracies in portraying the recent Israeli-Lebanese conflict, but most damning is its complete ignorance of the horrific footwear devestation.
Bloggers, determined to get to the source, have uncovered evidence that a Dr. Scholl's plant near the Litani River has suffered severe damage due to Israeli shelling.
"The whole thing just went up in flames," said one worker who asked to remain anonymous. "We didn't even have time to grab any insoles. Needless to say, we were running to save our lives in mild discomfort. Most of us, after all, have bunions."
The insoles, developed out of a space-age technology similar to that which created Jello, has long been a target for the Israelis. The Lebanese have used the factory in the past as a propaganda point, as proven in this excerpt of a recent rallying speech:
"Friends, we cannot let the infidels take our lands and run us into the sea! They will take our women, convert our children, and worst of all- take our beloved foot care products and prance around as if they are walking on clouds! Do you dare stand for this? I think not."
Apparently, one partially intact insole has been found at the site of the blast. It was instantly rushed to a major Beirut hospital in an attempt to repair it. At that moment, it became more than just a weird gel inside a plastic shoe-filled sleeve- it was a symbol of Lebanese hope. Doctors and cobblers worked throughout the night, but the outlook is grim.
"As of right now it's in critical condition. It's really touch and go at this point, to be honest." After a slight hesitation and a catch in his voice, he said, "There's a chance it'll never gel again," before leaving in a panicked hurry down the hall.
Bloggers, determined to get to the source, have uncovered evidence that a Dr. Scholl's plant near the Litani River has suffered severe damage due to Israeli shelling.
"The whole thing just went up in flames," said one worker who asked to remain anonymous. "We didn't even have time to grab any insoles. Needless to say, we were running to save our lives in mild discomfort. Most of us, after all, have bunions."
The insoles, developed out of a space-age technology similar to that which created Jello, has long been a target for the Israelis. The Lebanese have used the factory in the past as a propaganda point, as proven in this excerpt of a recent rallying speech:
"Friends, we cannot let the infidels take our lands and run us into the sea! They will take our women, convert our children, and worst of all- take our beloved foot care products and prance around as if they are walking on clouds! Do you dare stand for this? I think not."
Apparently, one partially intact insole has been found at the site of the blast. It was instantly rushed to a major Beirut hospital in an attempt to repair it. At that moment, it became more than just a weird gel inside a plastic shoe-filled sleeve- it was a symbol of Lebanese hope. Doctors and cobblers worked throughout the night, but the outlook is grim.
"As of right now it's in critical condition. It's really touch and go at this point, to be honest." After a slight hesitation and a catch in his voice, he said, "There's a chance it'll never gel again," before leaving in a panicked hurry down the hall.
posted by Yorick at 5:36 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home