Boy Walks Outside, Climbs Tree

Rochester, New York-- In a story that practically defies belief, photojournalist Bob Winderstump has produced for authentication what he believes to be the first tree climber ever captured on film, perhaps the first one in the country.

After confirmation by Kodak photo specialists, the hunt was on.

"We knew we had something special," said an unnamed source. "How often do you hear of a boy in a tree?"

Both National Geographic and 60 Minutes, among others, have sent out crews and discovered the identity of the unabashed Emersonian tyke, now identified as Josh Winthrop, a 7-year old boy from a small suburb just outside the Rochester area. Upon learning of the news, his mother fainted. Josh, however, glady told his tale.

"Well, Mom's Lexus was in the shop, so I was forced to ride the bus, right? Well, to make matters worse, the batteries on my iPod were running down. There' just no way that Don't Fear the Reaper is supposed to get a man that kinda down, know what I mean? Anyway, the thing cuts off during a sweet acoustic version of Stairway to Heaven and I'm left standing next to the street with six minutes to kill before the bus arrives."

"Six minutes- how'd you do it?"

"It was tough, real tough. I almost headed back in when I saw this thing out of the corner of my eye. A tree, they call it. I'd seen one, of course, but I'd never touched one."

"And why is that?"

"What good reason do I have to touch it? It doesn't light up, sent text messages, or fill the void in my soul."

"So why did you climb the tree?"

"Well, I was standing there, and I saw a branch sticking out. Almost as if it was instinct, my hand reached up and closed around it. Before I knew it, I was halfway up the thing. All the worries of life just melted away. I was able to be a kid again, damnit! That said, it really isn't that big of a deal."

Of course, the townspeople saw things differently. Within a few minutes a sizable crowd had gathered, and were staring in awe at the boy in the tree. At times, his feet were as high as five feet off the ground.

"My grandfather had told us that people did that, but I never believed it," said Martha Kurr, an amateur geneaologist. "I guess I could have been wrong. It's still hard to believe, however- next they're going to try and convince me that people once lived without the Internet!"

The city is planning to memorialize the event by placing a bronzed statue of the child in the tree- and toy makers like Hasbro and Mattel are releasing toy trees later this month.

As for the would-be Edmund Hillary, well, he's got other plans.

"I'm thinking of building a small platform up there, where I could hang out and stuff. Any maybe include a rope ladder or something. I do know one thing- I'm gonna need some pretty decent Wi-Fi in order to get online gaming going down from the middle of a tree. I'm all about some Everquest."