Toyota Sequoia Fined for Excessive Vowel Usage

The National Highway and Transportation Board has recently approved a $10 million fine against Toyota Motors, Inc. It is the largest fine levied against a major automotive maker since the Board was authorized to do so under the Conspicuous Consumption Act of 1974.

Announcing the fine at an afternoon press conference, a spokesperson for the Board said, "Numerous complaints from rival automakers and drivers on the road brought to our attention the fact that Toyota had used all five vowels in the word "Sequoia," currently the name of one of their most popular SUVs. This action will not be tolerated. For too long vowels have been wasted by these industrialist juggernauts- let today be the day this waste stops."

Shares of "U" plummeted at the news at the New York Stock Exchange, as savvy traders guessed it would be the vowel to lose out.

"Everyone knows the vowel "U" sucks," said one trader, "No way is Toyota going to cut any of the big boys. Hell, the vowels "O" and "A" are in their name, aren't they?"

Toyota responded with aggressiveness to the charges: "Our attorneys have conferred on this matter and vowed to fight this ruling. The law is ambiguous at best on this point, and we feel we have a strong case. As a show of good faith, however, we have stopped test development on the new Toyota HAAZZLLLEEEBOOOKEEIIVUUUS- even we know our limits. Thank you."

Citizens around the country are united, but for various reasons.

"I's got nothing against Toyota," said a local mechanic from Whethersville, North Carolina. "I can accept the fact that they waste more oil than a retreatin' Iraqi during Desert Storm. That's our God-given American right to waste oil, and if a foreign corporation with factories in America want to get in on it, God bless 'em. I can even take the little spoiler on the back, even though I reckon it don't serve no purpose. But the sheer hubris of using all five vowels," he says, spitting out a wad of tobacco on the ground, "is simply beyond comprehension. And I have it on good authority that "Y" can be a vowel, too. Why should they get to use so many?"

Statistics bear out the mechanic's ominous warning. Data released just yesterday by the Census Bureau shows a dangerous explosion of vowel usage.


Others take a different approach.

Pat Sajak, host of the ever-popular Wheel of Fortune, said in a press release, "It's common knowledge that one must buy vowels in a free society. Toyota uses more than enough- I think $10 million is a good start to the price tag they've run up. If you ask me, the category is Things that are Evil."

In related stories, others are worried that the potential vowel excessiveness will overshadow the consonant genocide occurring in Ohio.

"Damn," said one man, who asked to remain unidentified, "They only got one left."