Highway Shoulders Underfunded, Underappreciated

It's been called a silent epidemic. Each year, millions of motorists pass by them, unaware of their importance. Yet, time and time again, they are there when wee need them most- to change a tire, or make an illegal U-turn.

Tragically, however, the government Highway Shoulder Rejuvenation program has been obsolete since 1998, when Bill Clinton drastically reduced funding. As a result, our nation's extensive system of highway shoulders is beginning to fall apart.

"We just need more money," says local road repairman Jake Alters. "This dirt and gravel won't take care of itself. Sometime in the next two hundred years, there's going to be a problem."

Highlighted by the recent collection of photos Almost Bearing the Heavy Load, Congress is considering legislation to save our nation's shoulders. The most famous photo shows a single black-eyed Susie among a patch of clover. It begs the question of what horrors could occur if a wary motorist happened to collide with it at highway speed.

"Surely the carnage would be unimaginable to the vehicle," said renowned crash expert Sven Drigglesome. "We need some money to clear these shoulders. In places, the grass is over seven inches high. Seven." Asked about the cost, Sven said, "I imagine it could be accomplished with about three hundred dollars."

Congressman Jack Albert (South Dakota- R) takes a more practical approach.

"Without shoulders, what's the head to rest on? Come on America, help me support our heads. We don't want to be the guy at the party whose head lolls around, do we? Do we?"

Hopefully, help is on the way. Until then, however, shoulders will be forced to just sit there and do nothing.